How to fix trust in a relationship? Maybe try fucking other people.

So I’m in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship. I was one of his first partners and he had been my only partner.

We began dating when I was 15. My previous exposure to relationships was the nonsense you see in mainstream TV and my parents’ divorce. The divorce had happened because my dad had an affair and that woman became my step mom. We’ve dealt with it all but it fucked me up when it came to trust. My mom grew tougher and less willing to put up with bullshit and she passed her lessons on to me. Lessons that lived in catch phrases like: once a cheater, always a cheater & treat them mean, keep them keen. They were always light-hearted but they stuck with me and formed my fundamental thinking and expectations when it came to relationships.

Cue the first boyfriend. He had taken my virginity (before I grew to learn that virginities aren’t a real thing) and he was my everything. He was the lens through which I looked out to the world. If we were good, the world was good. If we were bad, the world was bad. And I was head over heels in love with him. I expected the world from him and I believed he was my world and naively, that I was his.

One day we were going through things on his phone and I came across slightly-more-than-flirtatious messages. My heart sank and everything came crashing down. I was done. I had given him everything and he went and did this?! I couldn’t believe it. He had ruined everything. This went on to happen a few times with different people, except he had begun to try hide messages – which I actively looked for because of how broken our trust was. I kept looking and I kept finding. I don’t know why I never ended it even though I was absolutely broken. We always moved past it with decent sex and an otherwise healthy behaviour. We treated long conversations like band aids and sex like stitches but nothing really fixed the trust. The relationship became like a threatening volcano. I had gotten so jealous that I was personally offended when finding out he was watching porn. I would throw the worst slanders at him and mutter terrible things under my breath out of the blue. I wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt me.

He had put me through hell but I had grown toxic. It became a toxic, emotionally abusive, untrusting space.

Then something clicked.

Between an XConfessions subscription and growing older, something just changed.

I began following many porn stars and sex workers on Twitter. This gave me a look into lives of people who connect with different people on different levels in different ways.

I got to know a different side to sex and personal connections. I got to understand why someone would want connections beyond their own relationships. But most importantly, I got to understand what makes it all work.

Trust and communication.

They were honest with their partners about what they were doing. As cliched as it is to point out how cliched these factors are, they made the biggest difference in my relationship.

I began speaking to my partner about different connections and fantasies and experiences and triggers. It took long but we got to be completely open about things we’d never even admitted to ourselves.

Then, after watching porn together, initiating some intense dirty talk and having        that-was-so-fucking-incredible-did-my-vagina-just-explode sex, we explored sex with other people; and we explored it together.

We found and spoke to other people and couples on different platforms but in ways that, when we deleted the platform, we deleted the experience. We downloaded new messaging platforms so that we didn’t need to exchange cell phone numbers and nudes were shared but faces were covered.

We took photos together, crafted messages together, discussed scenarios together and experienced it together.

The actual experiences weren’t great. From awkwardness to spontaneous ED, it just wasn’t what we expected. But it taught us to speak about things we wanted as individuals and as a couple. It helped us get over things we hadn’t been able to deal with before. It helped us regain trust in a surprising way. It helped us understand each other with no judgement. It helped us feel loved, desired, respected and appreciated in intimate ways that we’d been neglecting between ourselves. It also reminded us what we had within each other.

We would probably be open to future experiences but for now we’re working with what the experiences gave us. We’re relearning about one another and figuring ourselves out again.

The magic; the intensity; the unsuspecting euphoria of anal sexxx.

This isn’t the time for tips and anatomy lectures but anal is only going to be as good as the position, speed and amount of lube you use.

Like a roller coaster ride or trying a new exotic dish, anal sex can be daunting. Really fucking terrifying. There’s anxiety. You tense up even though you know that doesn’t help.

And then, when it gets going, you question why the fuck you waited to do it and why you don’t do it more often.

It first happened with a bit of finger play. We each tried out each other’s anuses and that kinda ended there. For some reason, finger play feels more intimate than full on anal. Not my thing.

How does it usually unfold? Well, buckle in, cause the following details are gonna get nasty, and intimate and if we’re lucky, flat-out arousing.

It’s usually the result of watching some porn. No specific kind of porn in particular, just something a little different and out of the ordinary. Enough for you to build up a mass of sexual energy – to get you horny to the point where you feel like you’re bursting, or leaking. It doesn’t need to be so spontaneous and sometimes it can’t be – because it does require some level of preparation.

From there, if you’re lucky enough, you start getting it on with your partner. Sometimes it begins with vaginal intercourse and goes to anal (Never go from anal to vaginal without cleaning in between.) Spontaneous anal begins crossing my mind when I feel like we’ve hit our threshold – like when I feel he’s in deepest or going the hardest he can go; but I still want more. Then we make the move to anal. It begins with putting A LOT of lube on his cock; from the head, down to the shaft. Then putting some more lube around your anus, get in real deep there, it’s not the time to be shy (go about 2cm deep at this stage).

The position I find most pleasurable and effective is doggy. You on your knees and him behind you. Make sure he knows that the speed and depth is to be controlled by you. Then you start.

First, it’s just the tip. It might hurt like hell if it’s your first time. Play with the tip going in and out until you feel comfortable going deeper. He might forget that you’re meant to be controlling it so just speak up if he’s going too deep too fast.

Then you go deeper, centimetre by centimetre. Take it slow. Painstakingly slow if you must.

Eventually, you’ll get to the full depth and you’ll feel comfortable going harder and faster. At full depth, your G-Spot should be getting stimulated like never before. At this point, you might want to relinquish control to him.

You can switch it up or add to it by playing with your clit while you’re going at it, or adding a toy to whichever hole isn’t being used.

Anal sex can be incredibly pleasurable and can lead to successful and recurring orgasms.

***It is best to begin with anal training and stretching first. Anal masturbation and small anal plugs are a great way to test your limits. 

*Remember that your anus doesn’t self-lubricate so don’t be shy to stop halfway to add more lube. If you’re interested in lube that will help the muscles relax, consider looking into cannabis-based lube – it also heightens pleasure.

*The above was written from a heterosexual perspective but pronouns are interchangeable and in place of a cock, one might use a dildo or vibrator.

*Avoid high fiber food before, for obvious reasons. An enema is not essential but can help you feel more comfortable. Clean around the anus beforehand.

The freedom and condemnation of pornography

You might not remember where it began, but you know it’s been there with you, for you and at times, against you.

Whether it’s because of the loud screams, the bare bodies or the different positions and penetrations – pornography probably has your number.

It’s brought about a culture of deception. You lie to your partner, to your friends, and maybe sometimes to yourself. You aren’t lying about it being a part of your life, but rather the extent to which it is part of your life or the ways in which it is a part of your life. It involves scripted intimacy that reiterates the deception.

It seems that this industry doesn’t have room for honesty.

That’s the ultimate deception. This is the industry that produces true intimacy, true honesty and unavoidable confrontation. This is where you reveal what you really like and how you really like it.

You could be the biggest fat-shaming, white, male racist, homophobic asshole in front of your friends but then jack off to chunky black men in the comfort of your home. That is the beauty and the magic of pornography. It doesn’t discriminate. Sure, the mainstream porn sites have your pretty, little white girl threesomes or your basic MILF action but you know that if you have a particular fantasy that someone out there has probably made it come to life.

Most people want to know your secrets but this is something you can truly keep to yourself. It’s fucking magical!

It’s probably the only time to yourself that you can appreciate wholeheartedly and look forward to. It’s the ultimate alone time, it gives you the chance to think and to wonder.

There is obviously a line that needs to be drawn. Reality has its place. It should surpass the porn. If your porn is overtaking your reality, then you need to get real. Be honest with yourself, open yourself up to the potentials of reality and work some of what you see into your sex life. There doesn’t need to be as big a line between your sex life and porn as you think.

 

P.S This is only if your porn is relatively safe and legal.

Kids born in 1994 or before, it’s time that we get our shit together

I don’t have a grasp on even half of these, but I know I need to get my shit together. Being an adult is tough but know these things and it’ll be easier.

Have a file with important stuff

• Certificates, copies of your passports and ID’s, letters of recommendation and important receipts.

Know what to do when you’ve had a car accident

• You should be taking photos from all angles, getting insurance information, remembering the details as much as you can and getting a police report as soon as possible.

Job interview

• Know how to dress, understand the company, know which questions are appropriate and which are not.

Quitting a job

• Know how to do it respectfully without burning any bridges. Also be sure to check that you’re not doing anything that contravenes the work contract you have.

Basic understanding of taxes

• Understand customs tax, income tax and other taxes. (I don’t have any idea regarding this adulty thing.)

Basic understanding of excel

• Watch a YouTube tutorial or get some help from a friend. Excel seems like the enemy when you have no clue as to how it works but it’s actually extremely useful in more ways than you can imagine.

Kitchen items

• You should have pots, pans, mixing bowls, whisks, wooden spoons, strainers, colanders, spoon rests, serving spoons and many other tools to prepare a solid dish. If you’re making a meal and you need something, MAKE A NOTE OF IT. Don’t just try substitute it and forget that you need it.

Then you need crockery and cutlery. That’s drinking glasses, wine glasses, mugs, plates, bowls and cutlery (matching if possible).

Wine and food pairing

• Nothing too extensive, just know what complements what.

Here you go: http://www.foodandwine.com/articles/15-rules-for-great-wine-and-food-pairings

Know how to host a dinner party

• Understand the importance of not letting your guests get too hungry, know how to make them feel welcome, get a grasp of comfortable timing between starters, mains and desserts. Have all the necessary cutlery and crockery on hand.

Make a decent cocktail

• Invest in a cocktail recipe book and a blender, you’ll be grateful you did.

Tie a tie

• The days of getting your older sibling to do it should be long gone.

You should know when to keep quiet and genuinely listen when someone is speaking

• Don’t listen just to wait for your chance to speak, people pick up on it. Also, don’t try to guess what the person is saying and try to finish their sentences. It’s rude and it undermines them.

Emergency first aid/level 1 first aid

• Know how to handle burns, know what to do if a child is close to drowning, how to splint a broken arm and how to stop intense bleeding. This is one thing you don’t think you need until it’s too late.

Savings account

• Just go set it up and put small amounts away whenever you can, the money you know you’ll spend on useless crap anyway.

Groceries

• Know what you need on a monthly basis; cheese, butter, bread, pasta, coffee, flour, corn flour, meat, cereal, potatoes, vegetables and other basics that help with whipping up a nutritious meal even when you don’t feel like cooking.

Clean up

• Know which detergents to use where, know when a good cleaning is due and understand the importance of having a clean living space.

Highways

• This can come in handy when you’re travelling long distances, it can help you with shortcuts and knowing which highways lead where will be invaluable when your GPS fails you.

Car charger

• Just have one on hand. Also, you’ll only regret not getting one when it’s too late.

Change a flat tyre

• It’s not that difficult, and as reliable as the instructions can sometimes be, sometimes you just need to watch someone do it so you can pick up on a few things.

Jumpstart a car

• This is too simple not to know how to do.

Know how to use a map and a compass (not gps)

• Be able to do things that don’t rely solely on technology. This is essential knowhow, especially for when the zombie apocalypse happens.

Know how to drive both an automatic and manual car

• When your drunk friend needs you to drive her home in her manual car and you can only drive automatic, you’re in for a bad time.

Basic toolkit

• You can buy prepared toolkits that are good to have on hand when small things go wrong.

How to change a light bulb

• It’s simple enough but make sure you won’t need to call in a handyman for something so trivial.

Change a plug

• Ditto

How to start a braai

• Know how soon it must be started, know how long it takes to prepare, and know what meat to cook when.

Know how to wet shave; and how to apply makeup properly

Know what size your clothes are generally

• That’s shirts, pants, shoes, underwear, and bras.

Go to the dentist and doctor as regularly as you can

• Another thing you’ll only think about when it’s too late.

Know how to make a basic pasta, a basic roast and a basic dessert

• Mac ‘n cheese, roast beef or chicken and chocolate mousse. If you understand the basics, you’ll be able to experiment and change it up from there.

Know how to make coffee and tea properly

• Be able to use a French press and know how long to brew tea for.

Be willing to spend money on good shoes, good jeans, a good coat and a few good t shirts and sunglasses

• It will be worth it.

Learn to grow your own vegetables

• This adds a wholesome, nutritious element to wherever you’re living.

Question things

• Don’t take a single news article without a pinch of salt. Get the same information from 4+ sources before you start to believe that it’s true.

Treat time with respect

• Don’t be late regularly. It’s selfish, thoughtless and rude.

Know how to dress for your body

• Some people can wear anything and get away with it but most of us can’t. Dress so that you’re comfortable in your own skin and so that you feel good about yourself.

Know how to negotiate

• It’ll save you time and money.

Learn how to give a speech

• This is essential for special occasions and people will respect the time and preparation gone into it.

Some self-defence will go a long way

• When someone tries to hurt you, when your brother is being too rough and when you just need some overall protection, this will be imperative.

Create a budget

• And stick to it. It makes it easier not to spend money on random crap you know you don’t need.

Back up your work and data

• If you lose work because you didn’t back it up, you’re an idiot and you almost deserve it. Buy a damn hard drive, make use of drop box and just be proactive.

Know how to construct a respectable document

• This is not optional. So many job requests, formal emails and CV’s get disregarded because of so many people’s unwillingness just to double-check their damn document. You need perfect spelling, grammar and format – this is not negotiable, ever.

That’s it for now, I think.

Don’t waste your time reading badly written crap

I studied to be a writer, a copy writer to be precise but a writer nonetheless. I have an embarrassing confession to make. I don’t read nearly enough solid literature. I read crap on the internet, I read the bullshit news stories, and I read bits of whatever comes my way.

I don’t have a good excuse. I’ve been lazy, arrogant and full of reasons that aren’t satisfactory. As an aspiring writer, that’s just not good enough.

But. The other day I kicked my ass into gear and picked up “A Time to Kill” by John Grisham. This reignited my passion for words and for reading. What a fierce read. It was tense, enthralling and f**king magical. This book is a gift to the world of reading.

I had done myself a major disservice by reading some of the stuff that came my way. Not all writing has earned the right to be read by you, not all writing should have the opportunity to take up your time.

Don’t read the shitty, long-worded Facebook statuses, leave the news stories that are written by people who aren’t bothered to proofread the work and who are willing to leave you to decode what should have been simple, and figure out which Tumblr posts are worth your time.

Read the statuses that you can see people gave a damn about writing, read the books people recommend (at least up until the second chapter before you decide you don’t like it), and read news from reputable sources. Better your vocabulary, broaden your inner library and let your mind wonder like it was meant to.

Why not go naked?

 

Short-term skinny

I got a waist trainer for my birthday. It’s a holy-shit tight corset that works temporary magic. You struggle for 5 minutes to put it on and when you’re done, you look fabulous. It makes your boobs pop and makes your waist perfect.

What it actually does: it gives an immaculate immediate effect, it gives you the posture your mother always tried to drill into you and you honestly want to eat less because there’s less space.

There are many downsides to it too. It gives you this lump of back fat that looks like you’ve got a roll of polony stuffed in your shirt, it’s kind of uncomfortable but you do get used to it, it does fuck all to shape you permanently(don’t believe the lies). The worst thing is that you’ll usually wear it when you go somewhere fancy and what happens when you go somewhere fancy? You’re probably going to be eating. I look like a million bucks but I can’t enjoy this meal to the full extent? I know these priorities might seem warped but all in all, it’s not that worth it.

What I do is wear it for the first half hour of the evening, take the full-length photos, then I inconspicuously unclip it and put it in my bag. Well, I hope it’s inconspicuous.

In conclusion, it looks good but don’t believe in its powers too much.

PS: the relief from taking this thing off overshadows the relief from any bra you’ve taken off.

Gay rights. What’s next? Paedophilia?

There’s no way to pose this question without sounding sarcastic and homophobic, but I swear it isn’t. America has made an amazing stride in liberty and it’s fucking fantastic. People can now marry who they love. Almost.

These laws have opened doors for all sorts of love. This isn’t always a good thing, but sometimes it is a natural thing that we can’t do anything about. As a bisexual female, I understand the love of both sexes but as a bisexual female who has only dated white, English men, I hadn’t always understood the love between interracial couples. My frame of reference was too narrow and systemic racism still had its claws in me. Just like heterosexual people sometimes don’t understand the love between different genders.

With specific reference to Gay rights, homosexuality was looked down on with the fury of a billion people. It was slandered by the bible, by celebrities, by the media and by our friends. It was a forbidden love that just wan’t spoken about. Stereotypically, it had fallen into a similar category as paedophili or incest or bestiality.

We’re used to a certain type of love but we need to move past that. We need to learn that people are attracted to different things. Yes we can hate how their attraction works and damn them to hell but if it’s not harming anyone or anything, sometimes it needs to be spoken about to deal with.

What I’m focusing on right now is paedophilia. It’s a sore topic and I’d be the first person to lose somebody’s head on a mine dump if they touched my children inappropriately but this needs to become something we can talk about. I recently saw a thread where a man was discussing the fact that he is a paedophile. What he brought to my attention is that his attraction to children exists only in his head and I never thought I’d say this but sometimes, that’s just the way it is. He hasn’t ever touched child and he is aware of how dangerous his attraction is. He also realises that he needs mental help. But if you’ve ever discussed paedophilia with people, you know how uncomfortable it makes us and how we won’t stand for it. Until someone has molested a child, they can’t seek help. If someone’s “wrong” fantasies exist only in their minds and people always shut the conversation down then how can we fix this? Paedophilia is like murder, rape and bestiality – you can think about it all you want as long as you don’t act on your thoughts.

Some people are fucked up because of their situations, or their past or just because their minds aren’t right. We need to stop shutting them down and give them the chance to talk.

I don’t condone child molestation, or murder or rape but I understand that sometimes, just sometimes it’s something deeper that we need to tackle, not ignore and put away.

I love dogs and cats as much as the next person, but your hashtags aren’t saving any of them

The Yulin dog festival is driving people crazy. They’re sharing their hashtags on all platforms that they can and they’re loving the shocking imagery that they think will affect people enough to try make a difference. There are two reasons that these people are complete fucking idiots and hypocrites.

One –  people in China don’t have access to: Gmail, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or WordPress. Your keyboard war is going unheard by the people you are trying to talk to. It’s like when people try getting petitions signed to stop Boko Haram. The international terrorist group doesn’t see the petition and even if they did, they wouldn’t give a crap. The people in China aren’t hearing your pleas.

Two – do you not think the meat you eat is treated in the same, if not worse, manner than these dogs? The problem with the Chinese is that they’re doing it in the open. You can’t get fucked off because they don’t align themselves with your Western attitude of “A dog should be a pet, not a meal”. You don’t see Hindus hashtagging about the steak you shove down your throat.

In essence, unless you’re willing to fly to China or donate to someone else who is willing to in order to save these dogs, shut the fuck up. You look like an idiot. And, if you’re not vegan, stop thinking your cultural meat eating habits are the only acceptable habits out there.

Female autoeroticism is underrated

Have you seen one of these? (It’s those shower hoses that are part of the bath/shower combinations, usually it has a head but you can screw that off) (This is targeted at women)

If you associate this with showering, you’ve been living life wrong. This hosepipe thing is the greatest gift to women since… okay it’s the greatest gift EVER. I had read about it in some book but never really thought more about it.

Until, one day I was lying in the bath and the hosepipe thing caught my attention. I decided to give it a try. So you take it down town. Don’t put it up any holes or anything. Turn the tap until the pressure of the water is at its highest (temperature is key, the water must be warm). Make sure the bath isn’t too full or you’re gonna have a bad time because once the hosepipe thing does what it’s supposed to, there’s gonna be a lot of splashing.

Okay, so we want to be getting the most pressure and the perfect temperature. Now the hosepipe thing is down there, you need to focus the stream of water on your clit. It’s a lot harder than it sounds and I understand why so many women haven’t orgasmed and I understand those jokes about sexual partners not knowing where the clit is. If you haven’t played with yourself and you’re not too sure where it is, here you go: (There might be a hood-like piece of skin covering it, you’ll just have to work it all out)

You might need to do some searching to get familiar with yourself.

When you’ve found it, focus the stream of water on it. At first, it will be so intense you will want to stop. Don’t. All your muscles will tense up and you will feel as if you’re floating. Hold it there until you orgasm and you will love yourself as much as you possibly can.

This scenario is the best one there is: it’s clean, there’s minimal chance of someone walking in on you and it’s the best physical feeling in the entire world