The magic; the intensity; the unsuspecting euphoria of anal sexxx.

This isn’t the time for tips and anatomy lectures but anal is only going to be as good as the position, speed and amount of lube you use.

Like a roller coaster ride or trying a new exotic dish, anal sex can be daunting. Really fucking terrifying. There’s anxiety. You tense up even though you know that doesn’t help.

And then, when it gets going, you question why the fuck you waited to do it and why you don’t do it more often.

It first happened with a bit of finger play. We each tried out each other’s anuses and that kinda ended there. For some reason, finger play feels more intimate than full on anal. Not my thing.

How does it usually unfold? Well, buckle in, cause the following details are gonna get nasty, and intimate and if we’re lucky, flat-out arousing.

It’s usually the result of watching some porn. No specific kind of porn in particular, just something a little different and out of the ordinary. Enough for you to build up a mass of sexual energy – to get you horny to the point where you feel like you’re bursting, or leaking. It doesn’t need to be so spontaneous and sometimes it can’t be – because it does require some level of preparation.

From there, if you’re lucky enough, you start getting it on with your partner. Sometimes it begins with vaginal intercourse and goes to anal (Never go from anal to vaginal without cleaning in between.) Spontaneous anal begins crossing my mind when I feel like we’ve hit our threshold – like when I feel he’s in deepest or going the hardest he can go; but I still want more. Then we make the move to anal. It begins with putting A LOT of lube on his cock; from the head, down to the shaft. Then putting some more lube around your anus, get in real deep there, it’s not the time to be shy (go about 2cm deep at this stage).

The position I find most pleasurable and effective is doggy. You on your knees and him behind you. Make sure he knows that the speed and depth is to be controlled by you. Then you start.

First, it’s just the tip. It might hurt like hell if it’s your first time. Play with the tip going in and out until you feel comfortable going deeper. He might forget that you’re meant to be controlling it so just speak up if he’s going too deep too fast.

Then you go deeper, centimetre by centimetre. Take it slow. Painstakingly slow if you must.

Eventually, you’ll get to the full depth and you’ll feel comfortable going harder and faster. At full depth, your G-Spot should be getting stimulated like never before. At this point, you might want to relinquish control to him.

You can switch it up or add to it by playing with your clit while you’re going at it, or adding a toy to whichever hole isn’t being used.

Anal sex can be incredibly pleasurable and can lead to successful and recurring orgasms.

***It is best to begin with anal training and stretching first. Anal masturbation and small anal plugs are a great way to test your limits. 

*Remember that your anus doesn’t self-lubricate so don’t be shy to stop halfway to add more lube. If you’re interested in lube that will help the muscles relax, consider looking into cannabis-based lube – it also heightens pleasure.

*The above was written from a heterosexual perspective but pronouns are interchangeable and in place of a cock, one might use a dildo or vibrator.

*Avoid high fiber food before, for obvious reasons. An enema is not essential but can help you feel more comfortable. Clean around the anus beforehand.

Female autoeroticism is underrated

Have you seen one of these? (It’s those shower hoses that are part of the bath/shower combinations, usually it has a head but you can screw that off) (This is targeted at women)

If you associate this with showering, you’ve been living life wrong. This hosepipe thing is the greatest gift to women since… okay it’s the greatest gift EVER. I had read about it in some book but never really thought more about it.

Until, one day I was lying in the bath and the hosepipe thing caught my attention. I decided to give it a try. So you take it down town. Don’t put it up any holes or anything. Turn the tap until the pressure of the water is at its highest (temperature is key, the water must be warm). Make sure the bath isn’t too full or you’re gonna have a bad time because once the hosepipe thing does what it’s supposed to, there’s gonna be a lot of splashing.

Okay, so we want to be getting the most pressure and the perfect temperature. Now the hosepipe thing is down there, you need to focus the stream of water on your clit. It’s a lot harder than it sounds and I understand why so many women haven’t orgasmed and I understand those jokes about sexual partners not knowing where the clit is. If you haven’t played with yourself and you’re not too sure where it is, here you go: (There might be a hood-like piece of skin covering it, you’ll just have to work it all out)

You might need to do some searching to get familiar with yourself.

When you’ve found it, focus the stream of water on it. At first, it will be so intense you will want to stop. Don’t. All your muscles will tense up and you will feel as if you’re floating. Hold it there until you orgasm and you will love yourself as much as you possibly can.

This scenario is the best one there is: it’s clean, there’s minimal chance of someone walking in on you and it’s the best physical feeling in the entire world

The word “fuck”

I am a snob when it comes to grammar and language. I believe efficient language is the most effective way of communication.

I also believe that swearing dumbs a person down. 

“That stuff smells like shit” is so much less effective and explanatory than “that stuff smells putrid”. “Shit” doesn’t describe the smell as one would guess it does. “Shit” doesn’t necessarily mean it smells like feces, just that it smells bad. “Putrid” suggests that it smells like rotting flesh. “Putrid” allows you to envision the nastiness of whatever it is that smells. 

Many swearwords have these ambiguous meanings. I try to keep them out of my vocabulary.

And there’s my weakness.

FUCK.

Nothing is quite as relieving as saying “FUCK!” when you bang your pinkie toe on the table leg. It somehow alleviates the pain.

There is nothing as good as a solid “Fuck” when you’re relieved, or when you’re not. Nothing as good as a “Fuck me” when someone good looking walks past.

 It is such a versatile word that you can almost replace any word with. 

My favorite is when people use it as a degree of comparison. “I’m hungry as fuck”. Hmm, how hungry is fuck? Or “She’s short as fuck”. How short is fuck?

It’s like a verbal orgasm. Countries should just have “fuck you” screaming matches to replace wars.

Fuck.