2015-12-28 23.03.59

Kids born in 1994 or before, it’s time that we get our shit together

I don’t have a grasp on even half of these, but I know I need to get my shit together. Being an adult is tough but know these things and it’ll be easier.

Have a file with important stuff

  • Certificates, copies of your passports and ID’s, letters of recommendation and important receipts.

Know what to do when you’ve had a car accident

  • You should be taking photos from all angles, getting insurance information, remembering the details as much as you can and getting a police report as soon as possible.

Job interview

  • Know how to dress, understand the company, know which questions are appropriate and which are not.

Quitting a job

  • Know how to do it respectfully without burning any bridges. Also be sure to check that you’re not doing anything that contravenes the work contract you have.

Basic understanding of taxes

  • Understand customs tax, income tax and other taxes. (I don’t have any idea regarding this adulty thing.)

Basic understanding of excel

  • Watch a YouTube tutorial or get some help from a friend. Excel seems like the enemy when you have no clue as to how it works but it’s actually extremely useful in more ways than you can imagine.

Kitchen items

  • You should have pots, pans, mixing bowls, whisks, wooden spoons, strainers, colanders, spoon rests, serving spoons and many other tools to prepare a solid dish. If you’re making a meal and you need something, MAKE A NOTE OF IT. Don’t just try substitute it and forget that you need it.

Then you need crockery and cutlery. That’s drinking glasses, wine glasses, mugs, plates, bowls and cutlery (matching if possible).

Wine and food pairing

  • Nothing too extensive, just know what complements what.

Here you go: http://www.foodandwine.com/articles/15-rules-for-great-wine-and-food-pairings

Know how to host a dinner party

  • Understand the importance of not letting your guests get too hungry, know how to make them feel welcome, get a grasp of comfortable timing between starters, mains and desserts. Have all the necessary cutlery and crockery on hand.

Make a decent cocktail

  • Invest in a cocktail recipe book and a blender, you’ll be grateful you did.

Tie a tie

  • The days of getting your older sibling to do it should be long gone.

You should know when to keep quiet and genuinely listen when someone is speaking

  • Don’t listen just to wait for your chance to speak, people pick up on it. Also, don’t try to guess what the person is saying and try to finish their sentences. It’s rude and it undermines them.

Emergency first aid/level 1 first aid

  • Know how to handle burns, know what to do if a child is close to drowning, how to splint a broken arm and how to stop intense bleeding. This is one thing you don’t think you need until it’s too late.

Savings account

  • Just go set it up and put small amounts away whenever you can, the money you know you’ll spend on useless crap anyway.


  • Know what you need on a monthly basis; cheese, butter, bread, pasta, coffee, flour, corn flour, meat, cereal, potatoes, vegetables and other basics that help with whipping up a nutritious meal even when you don’t feel like cooking.

Clean up

  • Know which detergents to use where, know when a good cleaning is due and understand the importance of having a clean living space.


  • This can come in handy when you’re travelling long distances, it can help you with shortcuts and knowing which highways lead where will be invaluable when your GPS fails you.

Car charger

  • Just have one on hand. Also, you’ll only regret not getting one when it’s too late.

Change a flat tyre

  • It’s not that difficult, and as reliable as the instructions can sometimes be, sometimes you just need to watch someone do it so you can pick up on a few things.

Jumpstart a car

  • This is too simple not to know how to do.

Know how to use a map and a compass (not gps)

  • Be able to do things that don’t rely solely on technology. This is essential knowhow, especially for when the zombie apocalypse happens.

Know how to drive both an automatic and manual car

  • When your drunk friend needs you to drive her home in her manual car and you can only drive automatic, you’re in for a bad time.

Basic toolkit

  • You can buy prepared toolkits that are good to have on hand when small things go wrong.

How to change a light bulb

  • It’s simple enough but make sure you won’t need to call in a handyman for something so trivial.

Change a plug

  • Ditto

How to start a braai

  • Know how soon it must be started, know how long it takes to prepare, and know what meat to cook when.

Know how to wet shave; and how to apply makeup properly

Know what size your clothes are generally

  • That’s shirts, pants, shoes, underwear, and bras.

Go to the dentist and doctor as regularly as you can

  • Another thing you’ll only think about when it’s too late.

Know how to make a basic pasta, a basic roast and a basic dessert

  • Mac ‘n cheese, roast beef or chicken and chocolate mousse. If you understand the basics, you’ll be able to experiment and change it up from there.

Know how to make coffee and tea properly

  • Be able to use a French press and know how long to brew tea for.

Be willing to spend money on good shoes, good jeans, a good coat and a few good t shirts and sunglasses

  • It will be worth it.

Learn to grow your own vegetables

  • This adds a wholesome, nutritious element to wherever you’re living.

Question things

  • Don’t take a single news article without a pinch of salt. Get the same information from 4+ sources before you start to believe that it’s true.

Treat time with respect

  • Don’t be late regularly. It’s selfish, thoughtless and rude.

Know how to dress for your body

  • Some people can wear anything and get away with it but most of us can’t. Dress so that you’re comfortable in your own skin and so that you feel good about yourself.

Know how to negotiate

  • It’ll save you time and money.

Learn how to give a speech

  • This is essential for special occasions and people will respect the time and preparation gone into it.

Some self-defence will go a long way

  • When someone tries to hurt you, when your brother is being too rough and when you just need some overall protection, this will be imperative.

Create a budget

  • And stick to it. It makes it easier not to spend money on random crap you know you don’t need.

Back up your work and data

  • If you lose work because you didn’t back it up, you’re an idiot and you almost deserve it. Buy a damn hard drive, make use of drop box and just be proactive.

Know how to construct a respectable document

  • This is not optional. So many job requests, formal emails and CV’s get disregarded because of so many people’s unwillingness just to double-check their damn document. You need perfect spelling, grammar and format – this is not negotiable, ever.

That’s it for now, I think.


Don’t waste your time reading badly written crap

I studied to be a writer, a copy writer to be precise but a writer nonetheless. I have an embarrassing confession to make. I don’t read nearly enough solid literature. I read crap on the internet, I read the bullshit news stories, and I read bits of whatever comes my way.

I don’t have a good excuse. I’ve been lazy, arrogant and full of reasons that aren’t satisfactory. As an aspiring writer, that’s just not good enough.

But. The other day I kicked my ass into gear and picked up “A Time to Kill” by John Grisham. This reignited my passion for words and for reading. What a fierce read. It was tense, enthralling and f**king magical. This book is a gift to the world of reading.

I had done myself a major disservice by reading some of the stuff that came my way. Not all writing has earned the right to be read by you, not all writing should have the opportunity to take up your time.

Don’t read the shitty, long-worded Facebook statuses, leave the news stories that are written by people who aren’t bothered to proofread the work and who are willing to leave you to decode what should have been simple, and figure out which Tumblr posts are worth your time.

Read the statuses that you can see people gave a damn about writing, read the books people recommend (at least up until the second chapter before you decide you don’t like it), and read news from reputable sources. Better your vocabulary, broaden your inner library and let your mind wonder like it was meant to.


Short-term skinny

I got a waist trainer for my birthday. It’s a holy-shit tight corset that works temporary magic. You struggle for 5 minutes to put it on and when you’re done, you look fabulous. It makes your boobs pop and makes your waist perfect.

What it actually does: it gives an immaculate immediate effect, it gives you the posture your mother always tried to drill into you and you honestly want to eat less because there’s less space.

There are many downsides to it too. It gives you this lump of back fat that looks like you’ve got a roll of polony stuffed in your shirt, it’s kind of uncomfortable but you do get used to it, it does fuck all to shape you permanently(don’t believe the lies). The worst thing is that you’ll usually wear it when you go somewhere fancy and what happens when you go somewhere fancy? You’re probably going to be eating. I look like a million bucks but I can’t enjoy this meal to the full extent? I know these priorities might seem warped but all in all, it’s not that worth it.

What I do is wear it for the first half hour of the evening, take the full-length photos, then I inconspicuously unclip it and put it in my bag. Well, I hope it’s inconspicuous.

In conclusion, it looks good but don’t believe in its powers too much.

PS: the relief from taking this thing off overshadows the relief from any bra you’ve taken off.


Gay rights. What’s next? Paedophilia?

There’s no way to pose this question without sounding sarcastic, but I swear it isn’t. America has made an amazing stride in liberty and it’s fucking fantastic. People can now marry who they love. Almost.

These laws have opened doors for all sorts of love. This isn’t always a good thing, but sometimes it is a natural thing that we can’t do anything about. As a bisexual female, I understand the love of both sexes but as a bisexual female who has only dated white, English men, I don’t understand the love between interracial couples. I can understand what I know and what I’ve experienced. Just like heterosexual people sometimes don’t understand the love between different genders.

We’re used to a certain type of love but we need to move past that. We need to learn that people are attracted to different things and then we need to get over it. Yes we can hate it and damn them to hell but if it’s not harming anyone or anything then we need to just shut the fuck up.

What I’m focusing on right now is paedophilia. It’s a sore topic and I’d be the first person to lose somebody’s head on a mine dump if they touched my children inappropriately but this needs to become something we can talk about. I recently saw a thread where a guy was discussing the fact that he is a paedophile. What he brought to my attention is that his attraction to children exists only in his head and I never thought I’d say this but that’s okay. He hasn’t ever touched child and he is aware of how dangerous his attraction is. He also realises that he needs mental help. But if you’ve ever discuss paedophilia with people you know how uncomfortable it makes us and how we won’t stand for it. Until someone has molested a child, they can’t seek help. If someone’s “wrong” fantasies exist only in their minds and people always shut the conversation down then how can we fix this? Paedophilia is like murder, rape and bestiality – you can think about it all you want as long as you don’t act on your thoughts.

Some people are fucked up because of their situations, or their past or just because their minds aren’t right. We need to stop shutting them down and give them the chance to talk.

I don’t condone child molestation, or murder or rape but I understand that sometimes, just sometimes it’s something deeper that we need to tackle, not ignore and put away.


I love dogs and cats as much as the next person, but your hashtags aren’t saving any of them

The Yulin dog festival is driving people crazy. They’re sharing their hashtags on all platforms that they can and they’re loving the shocking imagery that they think will affect people enough to try make a difference. There are two reasons that these people are complete fucking idiots and hypocrites.

One –  people in China don’t have access to: Gmail, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or WordPress. Your keyboard war is going unheard by the people you are trying to talk to. It’s like when people try getting petitions signed to stop Boko Haram. The international terrorist group doesn’t see the petition and even if they did, they wouldn’t give a crap. The people in China aren’t hearing your pleas.

Two – do you not think the meat you eat is treated in the same, if not worse, manner than these dogs? The problem with the Chinese is that they’re doing it in the open. You can’t get fucked off because they don’t align themselves with your Western attitude of “A dog should be a pet, not a meal”. You don’t see Hindus hashtagging about the steak you shove down your throat.

In essence, unless you’re willing to fly to China or donate to someone else who is willing to in order to save these dogs, shut the fuck up. You look like an idiot. And, if you’re not vegan, stop thinking your cultural meat eating habits are the only acceptable habits out there.


Female autoeroticism is underrated

Have you seen one of these? (It’s those shower hoses that are part of the bath/shower combinations, usually it has a head but you can screw that off) (This is targeted at women)


If you associate this with showering, you’ve been living life wrong. This hosepipe thing is the greatest gift to women since… okay it’s the greatest gift EVER. I had read about it in some book but never really thought more about it.

Until, one day I was lying in the bath and the hosepipe thing caught my attention. I decided to give it a try. So you take it down town. Don’t put it up any holes or anything. Turn the tap until the pressure of the water is at its highest (temperature is key, the water must be warm). Make sure the bath isn’t too full or you’re gonna have a bad time because once the hosepipe thing does what it’s supposed to, there’s gonna be a lot of splashing.

Okay, so we want to be getting the most pressure and the perfect temperature. Now the hosepipe thing is down there, you need to focus the stream of water on your clit. It’s a lot harder than it sounds and I understand why so many women haven’t orgasmed and I understand those jokes about sexual partners not knowing where the clit is. If you haven’t played with yourself and you’re not too sure where it is, here you go: (There might be a hood-like piece of skin covering it, you’ll just have to work it all out)


You might need to do some searching to get familiar with yourself.

When you’ve found it, focus the stream of water on it. At first, it will be so intense you will want to stop. Don’t. All your muscles will tense up and you will feel as if you’re floating. Hold it there until you orgasm and you will love yourself as much as you possibly can.

This scenario is the best one there is: it’s clean, there’s minimal chance of someone walking in on you and it’s the best physical feeling in the entire world