Here’s the thing, my body is average. Average sized boobs, a decent sized ass and everything else is supremely average. I have cellulite on my thighs and my ass, duh.
When I took nasty pics for my boyfriend, I only took them in certain lights and I made sure my face wasn’t really showing. This was so that he couldn’t see the silly expressions made while trying to get my body at the picture-ready angle and so that he couldn’t get revenge on me if we broke up. My point is that I can make my body look like that of a model. No cellulite, thinner thighs, bigger boobs.
The science of taking hot pics isn’t too intense, just don’t be surprised if she looks like a goddess on your phone and a bit of a hippo when you take her clothes off. Don’t stress though, the more insecure she is, the higher the chances are of her being good in the sack.
P.s- Not my photo.
Man buns. Mmm. The in thing. The sexy thing. It’s definitely the thing that’s trending.
Here’s the real thing though- as sexy as it looks when it’s tied up, it’s got to come down at some time. The time it comes down will most likely be in the shower. So he showers and then steps out of the shower. Obviously he looks hot as fuck and you’re already soaking your panties just seeing him.
Then you start getting it on and that’s when shit gets bad.
That long, wet hair is the biggest turn off other than that short pubic hair he has growing 2 days after he attempted to clean up his downstairs for you. You know the prickly, invasive length? It doesn’t last long so you can get over it easily enough.
You start kissing and this strand of hair just comes between you too and it starts dripping on you and for a moment it feels like you’ve just washed your dog and it’s decided to shake and get water all over you. Then he insists on being on top so it feels like you’re being splashed and the entire moment loses its intimacy, but you can’t tell him this. I wanted him to grow his hair and it looks so good and makes me want to fuck him but the long hair is a turn off when it comes to the actual fucking.
And then there’s that god awful beard. Yeah obviously it’s also what makes him totally fuckable but it starts to feel like you’re making out with Velcro. It’s prickly and the prickliness doesn’t go away.
In short, what makes you want them in the sack actually sucks when you get to the sack.
That’s what I think when anyone comes with: “Gee, you don’t need to be so mean” and “Your toothache is karma for all those horrible comments you make?”
Just fuck you for being such a sensitive cunt.
The other day I went out with my boyfriend. I was wearing a new pair of comfortable, flattering, sexy jeans. My butt looked just right in them.
It’s often seen as the sexiest clothing item. A perfect fitting, low rise pair of jeans.
It’s all a lie.
We got back home and things started getting heated. The moment was perfect and we were both doing all the right things. Touching the right places, saying the right things. Then the undressing began. Taking jackets off- went alright. Taking shirts off- went well. My bra obviously stayed on because hey, what’s sexier than a girl in a bra and a pair of jeans? Then it came to the goddamn jeans. For fuck’s sake! Just thinking about it irritates the hell out of me.
Undoing the button is a mission, then the zip gets stuck, then you try to pull them down but they overlap by your knees and get stuck by your ankles and and and and!
Overall, jeans are sexy every time except when you actually want to have sex.
I find so much joy and relief in hating so much. Expressing my hate makes me feel less frustrated.
- I hate when people confuse “to” with “too”
- I hate when pretty girls chew gum with their mouths open
- I hate when people whistle
- I hate the smell of mushrooms being cooked
- I hate being hugged when I’m angry
- I hate that everything that is really nice is now becoming a variation of porn (car porn, earth porn, cabin porn)
- I hate that every second 20 year old has their own photography company called “first name, last name” photography
This is all just material bullshit.
I’m so empowered by my hate that I’ve lost sight of what I love.
- I love Futurama and 10 other series that have such well written scripts
- I love cheesecake
- I love my mom, my brother and my dad
- I love my boyfriend
- I love sleep
- I love looking at pictures of cats in space
- I love coffee
- I love good advertising
- I love my dictionary app
- I love my handful of friends
- I love curry
- I love painting
- I love bathing
I need to stop giving myself so much room to hate so much. It’s too easy to hate.
I get it hippies, I really do.